“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.” - Author Ichiro Kishimi
The best Aikidoists have the courage to be disliked.
One of the things we are striving for in our Aikido training is to be shinsei (真正) or “authentic.” To be authentic is “to live your life according to your own values and goals, rather than those of other people.” Thus, in order for some of us to be authentic, we need to have the courage to be disliked.
Having the courage to be disliked is not intentionally becoming the villain in someone else’s story. It is also not actively and intentionally being selfish. Having the courage to be disliked is to intentionally be authentic which might cause some people to not like us. Some of those people might not like us because their entire relationship with us is based upon always getting their way. True relationships always have a balance - sometimes we give and sometimes we take but we never take more than we give, and we never give more than we take.
In Aikido training, there is also this balance of give and take. When we train with our partners, we should always be pushing them to help them improve. Furuya Sensei said, “Take them to their [furthest] level and then take it one step farther.” He didn’t end it with “smash them” or “kill them.” Sensei specifically stated, “one step farther” with the key word being “one.” Only going one step requires restraint and discipline.
An interesting thing happens when some people start Aikido training. Some have a problem grabbing their partners strongly or striking them. When you ask them to grab your wrist, they hold it very gently. When you ask them to hit you, they intentionally come up short or miss. One reason why this phenomenon happens is because we were conditioned that intentionally grabbing people, striking them, or throwing them down is impolite. Later in our training, we learn that a strong attack is not only necessary but, on a certain level, the polite or right thing to do because our job as someone’s training partner is to push them “one step farther” so that they can improve.
Sensei used to jokingly say, “You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few arms.” What he meant was that in class, students should train hard with the intention of training hard and giving their partners a good workout. To do that, sometimes they might get frustrated, angry, or even hurt. If we train hard with the intention to hurt or dominate someone is wrong. If we train hard with the intention of helping them improve and they get upset or hurt, then we didn’t exercise Sensei’s “one step” rule. We are only human, and this is likely to happen more often than not, but if it does happen then we should apologize afterwards and better meter ourselves the next time.
In Aikido, we are striving to understand harmony. Not so much harmony with others but harmony within ourselves. That we can find true harmony within ourselves while in the presence of others as they are attacking us is the true paradox of Aikido training. True harmony means living authentically and thus some people will like us and some people won’t.
Today’s goal: Know your true worth and have the courage to be disliked.
Watch this video to better understand people pleasing.